Vampires Have Feelings, Too

Oh haaaayy Happy Halloween.

Alright, let’s pick up where we left off. To make a short story long, I’m kinda seeing a guy that I like marginally more than I’ve liked any other guy in a while. Until last week when he played Houdini and flaked out for a few days….no, I still like him a lot. That’s part of the problem. It’s not like he did anything wrong, okay, because he’s not my boyfriend and if he doesn’t want to talk to me for a few days, that’s his prerogative. I didn’t exactly appreciate the way he executed it, but whatever. No harm, no foul. I think one of the reasons I was so angry about it is because it seems that every guy this year has done something similar and I was just getting frustrated. No, I am frustrated.

This has never been a problem for me before. This has literally never happened, where these guys are all about me in the beginning and then weeks later are like “oh no, absolutely not, no relationships for me.” I mean, of course things haven’t worked out with guys in the past (hi, I’m single) but never the same excuse from multiple guys in the same fashion and the same situation…even the same name in some cases– and for it all to happen this year. And I know I’m the common denominator so spare me. But I can’t figure out what I’m doing differently now than I did before! Nothing… Seriously, it freaks me out. It’s like Groundhog Day.

So anyway, my anger wasn’t completely directed at him, but more at men in general. So I guess nothing has really changed from any of my other “experiences.”

Back to the point. So apparently a post I made on Facebook was misconstrued, he thought it was in reference to him, and he thought it was the start of something dramatic. To be clear, I’m an idiot, and the shit I write on Facebook is for pure dumb humor. In retrospect, maybe the timing was off. Talking to a new guy, posting a status about guys…yeah, I can see the miscommunication. But I’m also a crazy person who will go directly to the source if I’m pissed off. Passive-aggressive is not in my nature; there really is no mistaking whether I’m mad at you or not.

And if he got freaked out that my Facebook status was possibly about him, imagine if he knew I was writing a whole post about him on my blog. Psycho alert. He shouldn’t feel special, though. I write about every guy I meet who messes with my head, intentional or not. Like I said, the Taylor Swift of blogging.

Okay, let’s get back on track. So I get where he is coming from. I’d freak me out, too. Did you see those fangs?? And I’m trying to be understanding of the fact that he wants to take it slow before engaging in a full blown relationship. Cool, same page. I like you but if I have to unlike you later, done. That’s not the big deal. The big deal, or rather, the small issue is that I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want me seeing other guys.

Why is this a problem, you ask? If I like the dude, suspending all other contact with the opposite sex should be no problem, right? Well, yeah. Especially when I find out that one of the guys I was seeing more than likely has a child on the way. Just a small detail he forgot to mention over dinner. (Ah, the single life. Never a dull moment.) But it’s like, I will respect that you don’t want me to see other guys, but you don’t want to put a title on us. But without the “title,” I really don’t get to have any expectations of him. “Him,” whomever he may be. I’m using the current guy because he is currently the guy I’m seeing…no need to freak out about it.

All I can really expect is that neither one of us are seeing other people. Or at least neither of us should be and I know I can carry my end of that deal without any problems. But what does that mean for when I’m bored and none of my friends can come out to play and I want someone to hang out with, go to dinner with, watch a movie with…is hanging out on a weekday moving too soon? Is hanging out for no reason too relationship-y? Is he gonna freak out if I need him two nights in a row? Would making plans with him to be my wedding date, for example, be too committal and send him running off to his safe place for another 72 hours? Why should I have to worry about this shit? If you don’t want me to have other options, then you make yourself my option. Right?

And since when does spending time with someone count as a relationship? Relationships are this whole other level of crap where you have to talk about serious stuff and impress the family and basically run things by your probation officer before anything is approved and that’s not what I want or need. But, I do want to spend time with him and talk to him at least once a day. Does this somehow make me certifiable? I don’t want to talk to him every day like “what are you doing why did it take you 4 minutes to respond to my text who is she?” kinda thing, I just like him and wanna know what’s new with his life and how his day is going. I think about him occasionally throughout the day. Does this make me clinically insane?

There is a whole slew of responsibilities that come with the “title,” but I don’t think being exclusive is the same as being in a relationship. But there has to be some level of accountability so I know I’m not just wasting my time again. And I don’t think that every failed relationship is a waste of time. I just think that if some guy is going to try and spend time with me and then get super scared about spending time with me, well yeah, that’s a waste of time.

Anyway, as I’m trying to be sensitive to his, unfortunately very common fear of assuming the boyfriend role, I’d like him to maybe consider my feelings on this crap as well. I won’t push it, because I genuinely like him and would like to see things progress (s.l.o.w.l.y.), but I’ve also never been the sit around and wait kind of girl. Maybe things will work out for the best. Or maybe he’ll find my blog and file for a restraining order. I suppose I’m willing to take that risk in the name of creative expression.


Excuses: Man’s Best Friend

I realize I’m like the blogging version of Taylor Swift, but guys give us a lot of material to work with because of the endless new ways they figure out how to screw girls over. It is, of course, ultimately our fault for continuing to open up to guys even after we swear up and down we won’t…but what are we gonna do? Hug trees?

Eeh, I’ll pass.

If 2012 isn’t the year of the world-ending apocalypse, it should be famously known as the year my love life ended. Not that there hasn’t been a variety of guys I’ve wasted my time with, but that’s just what it was — a waste of time. The equation to my singledom has been discovered as:

Step 1: Guy sees girl and initiates conversation

Step 2: Girl responds and continues conversation

Step 3: Guy and girl hang out multiple times

Step 4: Guy inexplicably runs away

Step 5: Cross multiply to find the value of x.

There are a few outlying variables to this problem. First off, I’m not even certain that I, myself, want to be in a relationship so there hasn’t been any persistence on my part to meet the family or look at engagement rings or even ask if we’re exclusive. Guys seems to think that when they get the slightest bit of undivided attention from a girl, she wants to get married. And yes, the popularity of pinterest wedding boards has probably perpetuated a stereotype that all girls wanna do is find prince charming and get married. And so what? Maybe I do. But who the fuck gave you an idea that I regarded you as anything close to my prince charming?

But just as any other relationship and/or friendship doesn’t work out, we get over it. Especially since, in my situation, I’ve really only hung out with these guys for a few weeks. And I get it, I’m a total freak. I have a weird sense of humor, I have questionable taste in music, I’m stubborn…like, fine. I can deal with the fact that I wasn’t really what you were looking for, either; however, maybe you should have been smart enough to size me up in the beginning. I never change. I am exactly who I am the first time we talk as I am the last. My personality, while it may be unbearable, is consistently unbearable.

Anyway, so after each miserable failure, I do what any frustrated girl would do — insincerely vow to never speak to men again. But then when I obviously do meet someone new, I adjust myself. What did I do last time that could have scared some guy off? Okay, this time I won’t talk about women’s suffrage. And I keep doing that until, by process of elimination, I should eventually not scare a guy off. And then I realized that it’s not necessarily the topics I’m discussing or the things I’m doing or the fact that I drool in my sleep; it’s that somehow, somewhere, at some point, the dude works up some giantly preposterous idea that I want a relationship with him. Maybe it’s because I don’t volunteer the information that I’m also seeing other guys or maybe I’m just that good at balancing my time with these guys that I seem to be giving them my undying attention. Either way, it is absurd that guys are so spooked by this notion that they themselves have completely fabricated.

Okay, so they like to do this “drop off the face of the universe” magic trick because it’s subtle and adult like and not rude at all. Oh noo wait, it’s the actions of a small child whose balls haven’t fully descended yet. Why don’t we try this — use your words. At this point in time, you’re fully capable of forming complete and coherent sentences or our relationship– or ship, I guess….whichever is less scawy– would have never progressed beyond the first conversation.

I think we can all agree that once you’ve established that you are, in fact, hanging out with someone and making plans with them, you don’t have to wait for the guy to contact you. I’m not saying we should be overwhelming, but if I have a thought or question, do I have to wait every time for the guy to be the first to say something? Once in a while, I think we can make some allowances. So if you’ve all of the sudden let your imagination run rampant and you decide “uh, I really don’t want to hang out with this person anymore” and they text you to hang out, just say no. Why go through the trouble of sending excuses and prolonging the inevitable? Is it that terrifying to just say “I’m sorry I think we’re on different pages and I don’t want to lead you on or waste your time”? Now you’ve managed to be mature about it. You’re still a giant pussy, but no matter what you do that’s probably inescapable.

I think my favorite part about the rejection is how unwarranted it is. “I just think you’re moving too fast” , “I’m really not ready for a relationship.” Well forgive me for forcing you to introduce yourself to me and take me on a date. I’m sorry that I didn’t know you existed until you made your presence known and inserted yourself into my life. Also, while you’re contemplating whether you’ve banged enough girls to properly prepare you to deal with the idea of just one for a while, I’ve been keeping my options open and seeing other guys so you can relax, bro. Conversely, if a guy told me he did not want me seeing other guys and therein lies the problem, it’s as easy as me not seeing other guys. I can manage to break things off without a paralyzing fear.

The point is, these things are just excuses. I don’t care if you’re “ready to be in relationship” or not– if you like someone, you wouldn’t care if you were in a relationship or a concentration camp. So spare me. The truth really is more like “I think your personality sucks” , “I met someone hotter than you” , “you’re way too dumb” , “I’d be embarrassed to bring you around my family.” —- any number of those things are the actual reasons why they’ve lost interest. But they wanna somehow pin it on something we’ve done wrong and ignore their own shortcomings. Yeah, we noticed yours, too. Like, I’m sorry that my list of the perfect man didn’t include a receding hairline but I was willing to overlook that because you bought me food and told me I was pretty.

So, I’m over being aggressively pursued and then being blatantly blown off. Next time a guy approaches me I’m going to kick him in his knee and spit in his eye. Here’s to being a crazy cat lady in the future.