Vampires Have Feelings, Too

Oh haaaayy Happy Halloween.

Alright, let’s pick up where we left off. To make a short story long, I’m kinda seeing a guy that I like marginally more than I’ve liked any other guy in a while. Until last week when he played Houdini and flaked out for a few days….no, I still like him a lot. That’s part of the problem. It’s not like he did anything wrong, okay, because he’s not my boyfriend and if he doesn’t want to talk to me for a few days, that’s his prerogative. I didn’t exactly appreciate the way he executed it, but whatever. No harm, no foul. I think one of the reasons I was so angry about it is because it seems that every guy this year has done something similar and I was just getting frustrated. No, I am frustrated.

This has never been a problem for me before. This has literally never happened, where these guys are all about me in the beginning and then weeks later are like “oh no, absolutely not, no relationships for me.” I mean, of course things haven’t worked out with guys in the past (hi, I’m single) but never the same excuse from multiple guys in the same fashion and the same situation…even the same name in some cases– and for it all to happen this year. And I know I’m the common denominator so spare me. But I can’t figure out what I’m doing differently now than I did before! Nothing… Seriously, it freaks me out. It’s like Groundhog Day.

So anyway, my anger wasn’t completely directed at him, but more at men in general. So I guess nothing has really changed from any of my other “experiences.”

Back to the point. So apparently a post I made on Facebook was misconstrued, he thought it was in reference to him, and he thought it was the start of something dramatic. To be clear, I’m an idiot, and the shit I write on Facebook is for pure dumb humor. In retrospect, maybe the timing was off. Talking to a new guy, posting a status about guys…yeah, I can see the miscommunication. But I’m also a crazy person who will go directly to the source if I’m pissed off. Passive-aggressive is not in my nature; there really is no mistaking whether I’m mad at you or not.

And if he got freaked out that my Facebook status was possibly about him, imagine if he knew I was writing a whole post about him on my blog. Psycho alert. He shouldn’t feel special, though. I write about every guy I meet who messes with my head, intentional or not. Like I said, the Taylor Swift of blogging.

Okay, let’s get back on track. So I get where he is coming from. I’d freak me out, too. Did you see those fangs?? And I’m trying to be understanding of the fact that he wants to take it slow before engaging in a full blown relationship. Cool, same page. I like you but if I have to unlike you later, done. That’s not the big deal. The big deal, or rather, the small issue is that I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want me seeing other guys.

Why is this a problem, you ask? If I like the dude, suspending all other contact with the opposite sex should be no problem, right? Well, yeah. Especially when I find out that one of the guys I was seeing more than likely has a child on the way. Just a small detail he forgot to mention over dinner. (Ah, the single life. Never a dull moment.) But it’s like, I will respect that you don’t want me to see other guys, but you don’t want to put a title on us. But without the “title,” I really don’t get to have any expectations of him. “Him,” whomever he may be. I’m using the current guy because he is currently the guy I’m seeing…no need to freak out about it.

All I can really expect is that neither one of us are seeing other people. Or at least neither of us should be and I know I can carry my end of that deal without any problems. But what does that mean for when I’m bored and none of my friends can come out to play and I want someone to hang out with, go to dinner with, watch a movie with…is hanging out on a weekday moving too soon? Is hanging out for no reason too relationship-y? Is he gonna freak out if I need him two nights in a row? Would making plans with him to be my wedding date, for example, be too committal and send him running off to his safe place for another 72 hours? Why should I have to worry about this shit? If you don’t want me to have other options, then you make yourself my option. Right?

And since when does spending time with someone count as a relationship? Relationships are this whole other level of crap where you have to talk about serious stuff and impress the family and basically run things by your probation officer before anything is approved and that’s not what I want or need. But, I do want to spend time with him and talk to him at least once a day. Does this somehow make me certifiable? I don’t want to talk to him every day like “what are you doing why did it take you 4 minutes to respond to my text who is she?” kinda thing, I just like him and wanna know what’s new with his life and how his day is going. I think about him occasionally throughout the day. Does this make me clinically insane?

There is a whole slew of responsibilities that come with the “title,” but I don’t think being exclusive is the same as being in a relationship. But there has to be some level of accountability so I know I’m not just wasting my time again. And I don’t think that every failed relationship is a waste of time. I just think that if some guy is going to try and spend time with me and then get super scared about spending time with me, well yeah, that’s a waste of time.

Anyway, as I’m trying to be sensitive to his, unfortunately very common fear of assuming the boyfriend role, I’d like him to maybe consider my feelings on this crap as well. I won’t push it, because I genuinely like him and would like to see things progress (s.l.o.w.l.y.), but I’ve also never been the sit around and wait kind of girl. Maybe things will work out for the best. Or maybe he’ll find my blog and file for a restraining order. I suppose I’m willing to take that risk in the name of creative expression.

Thou Shalt Hate Thy Player

Okay here is what I don’t understand…from my perspective, if I’m faced with two options– the hard road and the easy road– I would most definitely like to take the easy road. If I can make it from Point A to Point B with minimal effort, that’s what I’m going to do. So why is it that there are so many people out there who insist on making easy solutions difficult?

Let me be more specific. If you are willingly in a relationship, then you’ve taken on the role as a “significant” other. A very generic job description is to be supportive, spend time with that person, and be honest. If you’re exclusive, you’re theirs only and vice versa. And then it’s that simple. You do what you are supposed to do. And when you don’t want to do that anymore, quit. Break up with them.

Alright my point is, it takes more effort to be a shady, lying, piece of shit than it does to just be a genuine person. The process of being shady and lying is so exhausting and unnecessary that I don’t understand why people go through the trouble.

Here’s how I see it (pretty much).

Step one: You get yourself into a situation where you spend a little time contemplating, or at least wondering whether you’ll get caught or not. Then you think, how will I get caught? Is someone else gonna rat me out? Will someone see? Will I admit to it? And so on….

Step Two: Now you have to think, alright, if I get caught, what’s the story gonna be? And then you have to put this creative thinking cap on to figure out how you can deny that you did something shitty and make it sound believable. You might even have to recruit other people to go along with it and that’s just more time and more effort.

Step Three: This could go one of two ways. If you’re a normal human with a guilty conscience so you’ll feel crappy about it and it will weigh heavy on your mind for a while. You’ll be a little paranoid wondering if the other person really is going to find out or if you pulled off the move (congratulations on mastering the art of deceit). This was a little easier to get away with when then World Wide Web didn’t saturate our lives in every aspect. So the alternative is, you get caught.

Step Four: All hell breaks loose. You’re telling them one story, other people are telling them another. Being that you’re clearly not a genius for having done something stupid in the first place, you usually forget to cover all corners and so you have to start tweaking your story. Alright so now the person doesn’t trust you. You’re fighting…ugh, so exhausting….you’re ruining your good time…more exhausting crap…now other people don’t like you because they’re telling the truth and you’re saying they’re lying….SO EXHAUSTING.

Step Five: It can also go two ways. What should happen is the person you totally dogged should break the hell up with you and never look back because, somewhere along the relationship where they trusted you not to hurt them, you considered the alternative and chose it sending a pretty clear message that they didn’t mean enough (or anything) to you. In that case, they should demand more respect than that and realize you’re an idiot, because everyone should be the most important person to themselves (parents omitted). OR for some reason they take you back and it haunts your relationship forever. That means for the rest of the time you’re with that person, they may let it go temporarily, but it is ALWAYS going to get brought back up. And typically, it’s brought back up when you’re out trying to have a good time.

Think about how you can avoid that by just not being a scumbag moron in the first place. Don’t even put yourself in that position. Realize how important or unimportant they are to you first, then do what you gotta do. Breaking someone’s heart is hard enough; adding humiliation and unnecessary angst is just an asshole move. And then that’s who you become to people– just a big asshole no one likes.

This kind of thing follows you, too. The next person you want to be with, unless you move, is going to find out. Ever heard of six degrees of separation? Everyone knows everyone who knows someone else. Ever heard of the game telephone? By the time that story gets to the second, third, and fourth, party, it turns into you killing your ex’s dog and cheating on them with a transgender stripper.

Moral of the story: just be honest.